Posts Tagged ‘evil’

Evil of the East

Wednesday, May 13th, 2009

I’ve got a week of evil at the beach planned.  Like a sandstorm we’ll bring ourselves like pox upon the unsuspecting residents and temporary workers of the Outer Banks.  Like locusts, we’ll swarm consuming alcoholic beverages leaving kegs empty as the local alcoholic Irish population dehydrates.  Vikings will not loot this week either because the mead makers will be running low do to my high level of consumption.

A week with evil and evil’s relatives.  Idle hands are my playground and I intend to make my rounds.  That’s how the Beast of Cville gets down.  Sins like sands make a beach we can all sojourn to.  Hopes like raindrops give rise to the typical humidity of the area.  Plans like aspirations can only get you to the top of a hill before you tumble down the otherside due to whatever momentum you’ve brought with you.  But standing on the apex is something to understand by being there.  That apex is the next week.

I’ll be there, in the presence of Evil and her relatives basking.  And as the wells run dry, the crime increases, and the panic sets in, I will finally get my relaxation.

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The Left Hand of Evil

Friday, April 10th, 2009

I’ve seen the face of evil.  I’ve rocked evil.  Evil calls me when she has concerns.  Naturally evil is a woman, naturally. Perhaps evil is a role, and evil is played by a different person with different qualities such as ethnicity, gender, orientation, or capability.  But for me, evil is a woman.

When evil comes a knocking, she comes knocking on my door with her left hand.  Evil is left-handed because evil is and always was slightly unnatural.  When I hear that left-handed, tap tap tap on my door, it’s like a fwerking ringtone; I know it’s her.

Sometimes evil has me in her left-handed grip, and other times, I’m weilding her like a talisman that would make Sauron proud.  Together, we create a race of artificial elf mutants called orcs to storm the western world from the east on a continent that looks a bit like Europe and so from Russia… with love.  Weilding evil like a meme, I do what I can to perpetuate her, but she won’t be shared.  She is my demon after all, and might not have the same effect on someone else.

These days, evil is struggling.  She can only be left-handed for so long, but she refuses to change her ways.  I don’t know if it’s sadder that evil is having difficulty feeding her devious urges or that any hope of doggy style has been reduced to a three-point stance.  I just don’t know if evil can handle me hitting her from behind like a Democrat initiated troop surge.

But she doesn’t have to.  I’m up front with evil and I miss her lefthandedness.  Where is my familiar sense of dispair and my retarded president?  I know she’ll be back and I’m almost looking forward to that left handed doortone.

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Evil Incarnate

Tuesday, February 10th, 2009

I’ve seen evil.  I’ve seen the evil of man and then I’ve seen Evil incarnate.

I grew up next to Evil and Evil would play using slightly different expression, ever so slightly cuter and perhaps even attractive.  Without noticing the moral high ground I was toppling we played on the same field, on the same controllers and from the same playbooks.  Evil wore a skirt and I never did.

Evil showed me things I could never have dreamt of in college except I already had an idea because I had seen the face of Evil on the Internet.  Al Gore is Evil’s highway repair man.  All roads lead to the faces of Evil.  Evil is Rome incarnate.  Incarnate is my favorite word and I’ve got this running thing where the last thing I say is the first thing in the next comparison.  The first thing is the pattern incarnate!  Mwa ha ha.

Evil was very sweet and supportive, but this relationship with Evil and I couldn’t last because there was more Evil to be had in the world.  I try to stay away from evil but some days I just get the urge to wrestle with evil.  Why is there evil in this world?  And then I wake up with my evil rodder and I want to wrestle.

I have learned to embrace evil. I grab Evil from behind while she’s cooking and Evil responds, “I am trying to make horrible food to sustain your miserable existence longer and therefore perpetuate your suffering and yet you distract me.”  And Evil giggles and turns red because Evil does that very cutely everytime Evil thinks I want to wrestle.  It’s a good thing she can’t read my mind, she would be red all the time.  It is certainly cute though.

I say, “Evil, you’ve known what you wanted when you began cooking while wearing a mini-skirt.”  I guess that makes me the rooter of all Evil.  For anyone reading who’s under 18, I don’t know what that means either; it was just a joke.  Anyway, I’ve got a disproportionate of Evil in Atlanta right now, I’m waiting for the return of Evil to the middle Virginia region.  Too many saints in the kitchen.  If you can’t stand the heat, don’t look cute all red.  And if you’re evil, shout out.

Word.

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