Posts Tagged ‘Cootiverse’

A Parallel Cootiverse

Thursday, February 26th, 2009

The following is intended as a satire.  I think women are insufficiently respected and I don’t know what to do about it.  Furthermore, it is hard to get relevant information from women because some of them appear satisfied with the current system.  I have girls of my own and if I were a girl, I would be overthrowing all sorts of concepts.  I do that now but I have white and male privilege.  Sometimes it’s easy to forget that there are as many women as men and they still end up being treated like minorities.

Okay, everyone knows girls and women have cooties.  That’s why we subjugate them and keep them separate.  That’s why American women only get to date American men and American men can date anybody they want.  It’s the reason we are allowed to have a double standard.  I mean, it’s more expensive to have women in the workplace because we have to wash our hands more often to keep cooties from infecting us.

Girls know they have cooties.  You see the way they compete and snub each other.  We’ve all seen the “you don’t deserve that you bitch” look going from one girl’s eyes to an unsuspecting other female.  You can’t take them anywhere. And to make matters worse, cooties often accumulate near the buttock region or the chest region which accounts for most of the reason we men have to check those areas out extra carefully.  Is that a cootie cesspool or what?  “With the angling of the buttocks that should have a reduction value so that woman likely carries .7 times the standard amount of cooties.”

Females can’t see cooties.  All they see are tits and ass and they feel objectified.  That balances out the fact that men can’t see reason, we only see what we want and whether or not it has cooties.  In muslim countries, cootie-carriers are kept in bags to minimize contact.  That’s a good idea.

Females are typically smaller and weaker, which doesn’t make sense really.  They get sexually assaulted all the time, you think they would take physical fitness and self defense seriously.  But most gyms carefully screen their women for cooties and as a result, women don’t feel very welcome.

I read some article about how to make a female suicide bomber.  All you have to do is sexually assault her which makes her feel worthless and then point out that blowing herself up is a good way to get some honor back.  Again it doesn’t make sense on a variety of levels.  For one, being sexually assaulted might make a woman feel worse, but it doesn’t make her worthless.  She’s worth the same amount.  And if you want to look at it in a rather demented way, she might be worth more if she’s deemed a point of obsession by another person.  Also, explosions don’t desanitize cooties.  Explosions turn cooties into an aerosol which is just bad for everybody.

Let’s throw the exact statistics out of the window, we can agree that half of all people are men and half of all people are women in practice.  Forget racism for the moment, minorities don’t even add up to 20% of the population in America according to the last time I checked.  Women are 50%-ish, black people represent less than 15%.  This is no reason to be racist, the point here is that we discriminate against women who represent 50% of the population and black people (among other minorities) which represent less than 15% of the population.  Where should we start?  Plus 50% of those minorities are women, so guess what, that halves our racism by destroying our sexism.

But I propose we start with racism because race is clearly an imagined concept (google it, we are genetically too similar to people of other races) mixed with ethnic nurture and gender differences are very real.  Plus, minorities will assemble on our asses.  They will violently and peacefully protest while kicking our asses in basketball, football, baseball, golf, Olympic running, kung fu, manufacturing, hotel management and now world domination (re: Obama).  Women are too busy fighting off their cooties to notice that they’ve been pigeoned holed into lives as nannies and bangholes.

Some of them notice, but they are fewer and farther between and didn’t pay attention to my points about physical fitness, and self defense.  And most of them don’t realize it right away because our institutionalized quaranteen of cooties is mostly working even though the cootie-carriers are getting cleverer.

Why don’t women address this issue, when they clearly equal or outnumber us?  Why don’t they create businesses and jobs and environments where cootie-carriers are not subjugated?  In part this is because cooties damages the brain, and in part because the rest of us work very hard to ensure that doesn’t happen.

We love women so much.  They are sexy, attractive, they think differently, we associate positive elements of nuture, they seem to multitask very effectively.  I’m under the impression that those little diseased by gender counterparts even work harder.  It’s a shame they have cooties.  It’s a shame we haven’t developed a cure.  And it’s as much a shame that they haven’t demanded one or developed a whole alternate economy that works by and for cootie-carriers.

Maybe they did in an alternate universe.

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