I feel compelled to say this after absorbing some of my environment over the last few weeks.
Relationships of any sort represent a complication of an otherwise simple existence. Being casual friends is less impact than being a good friend. Being casual lovers is less impact than being significant others. Keeping up with distant relatives is lower maintenance than closer relatives much of the time. In other words, the importance of relationships is a complication that requires time and energy.
As a brief tangent so you know I haven’t lost my mind, I’ll say relationships are wonderful when they are working right. This is not my point.
The thing is, some people can’t see the forest for the relationships. I can’t do this because I’ll lose the relationship with that. It’s utter uselessness. Sometimes those tangles help you prioritize because you can look at equivalent opportunities and think, I’d rather have the choice near this relationship. Relationship is complexity. Complexity has energy costs and upkeep costs in terms of time, resources, morale and all.
I’m an outgoing person. I love having friends all over the world and if I’ve never met you I want to. I love that shit and I eat it up. But when I get overwhelmed from work or whatnot, I might disappear for awhile. Most people I know understand that. It’s not a slight when relationships are left unmaintained because most of us are busy doing other things most of the time. I’m happy with the time I have with my friends and family and all, but I’m not at all concerned with the time I do not have with everyone.
But, man, even though I am happy with my significant relationship with my girlfriend, if stuff was not working, like seriously not working, I would tell her and disengage on a dime. I would communicate. I would try to understand it. It would represent a big shift and I’d try to account for that. Hopefully we could both learn something from the experience but I would move on. And it wouldn’t mean she was insignificant. It would mean exactly that the complexity of the situation had moved beyond my willingness to maintain status quo. She’s an awesome person. That’ll never change. Hopefully, our relationship status also never changes but I’m saying those are two distinct and different things.
And Babe, when you cease to want me, you need to kick me the fuck out. Kick me out. Do not celebrate holidays with me while unresolved issues broil within you. Now you can have your secrets. I can imagine wild romps that happened under alcoholic influence that shouldn’t have been done and won’t be repeated. You can keep those secrets if they enter those situations. But when you can’t trust me or don’t know what to do with me or have become convinced our paths will diverge that’s when the complexity of the situation has moved beyond. You need to let me know.
People need to do that for each other. Don’t die for an idea by letting a relationship suck up any more than you have to give. Don’t do it. I’m not going to do it. I think my girlfriend is on the exact same page and the rest of you need to know that some of us think this is an alright way to be.
Jeez, it seems like every time I read your blog, you’re talking right at me. This just made me feel TOTALLY ashamed of my own situation, even though I know it probably has nothing to do with me. But hot damn if it doesn’t really hit home.
It’s just a coincidence. I care about my people. I’d say casually I’ve got positivity and concern for you in a light friend fellow blogger way. But I wasn’t at all talking about you. This week seems to have done something weird with the emotional pull of several relationships for several friends. I want to give people a way out because I think they don’t see or don’t want to see things my way but that there is a real freedom that comes from adopting this kind of thinking. Being trapped sucks. It really really sucks. I’ve trapped other people and not meant to and I’m not doing it anymore.
If I accidentally end up 50 years from now dating the same girlfriend/wife, it’ll be a pleasant surprise. I won’t have outplayed her like I’m Russel on Survivor. And I’ll have pushed her to be where she should be which will make it even more surprising.