I spend a lot of time arguing against current forms of marriage. I’m jaded. I’ve been divorced. My parents are divorced. My brother has two divorces. I don’t even see divorces as failures. I see divorces as a good thing because those are relationships that didn’t kill you.
I am romantic and there are a lot of things I am willing to do for my significant other. In support for choose your own relationships, I can imagine having multiple significant others for which all these things would apply. But right now I have one significant other and this is about the things I would do for her.
I would publicly state my commitment to her. I think a lot of her and I think about her a lot. She supports me in a lot of ways, many of which I take for granted from time to time. Despite my misgivings with the contractual legal marriage, I do not consider our relationship temporary or disposable. I think it’s obvious that we work on the issues that divide us and we have so much in common. I would stand in front of any number of people any number of times and say that.
I would support her financially. I don’t have a lot of finances right now. But if she needs something, I’m there. We’ll solve it. We solve problems together and some of those problems are money problems. Not all of my money is our money. But I look after her. And she looks after me. If someone was out of a job, they’d be taken care of.
I trust my partner with my intimate details. Body parts aside, there are weaknesses that I have no interest in sharing with people in general. My partners get to see the downside of me. I get to see her tired, worn out, sleepless, anxious, depressed, job stressing. That’s kind of beautiful. I want to be able to see inside such an important person.
I would put her on my life insurance and on my benefits. I would see that she gets whatever I might tragically leave behind. She’s a life partner. This is a team sport. Anyway that I can document that I will. She’s who you call if I get injured in sports. She’s on the list of people who can get my medical details.
I don’t always remember anniversaries, but I respect our own rituals. Our dates and our ways of doing things are important to me. I will honor partner rituals. I might need some reminding as we settle on what rituals really survive. This can include seeing relatives on holidays and special sports days. I will build a life that celebrates both of us.
And I will surprise you with fancy sentimental baubles in your champagne glasses at expensive restaurants. I will dress up and read back formal declarations of love. I’d love to see my partner in all white, the center of the ceremony, bright red and happy.
I’m simply against old white people and their thoughtless values. I don’t like marriage when they are thinking of a Judeochristian marriage and I think our marriage is more like us, irreligious and yet dedicated. My commitment isn’t stronger than the bond of partnered same sex people. We’re not more deserving of rights. And I’m not committing for life if our relationship goes toxic.
It should be obvious that by wanting you, I want you to be happy and that means with room to grow. And it should be obvious that I wouldn’t want you to grow away, but if you do, I’m going to find a most peaceful way to let you go. But each day I don’t have to let you go, is going to be a day worth having with you and I’d tell anybody. I can do that.
I just read this again for like the third time. It means so much to me. Thank you for writing it. xoxo.
That’s sweet. You’re both lucky to have each other, and lucky to have someone to love and look after. I’m not opposed to marriage. I consider you married in a way, and a marriage ceremony, however public or private, is a romantic symbol of your commitment to each other. I’d like to get married … again.
My parents divorced after eighteen years and six children, me being the sixth. Poor mum never knew romance, had broken the engagement three times but got pushed by family into marrying a man she barely knew and wasn’t in love with. They were just very different and the seperation was very congenial. In fact mum was pleased when Dad married again, and he married his soul mate. Dad and his new wife had twentyfive years of blissful perfect love together before he died… and all of us including mum, embraced her for making Dad so happy. Two siblings divorced after having children but one remarried and the other has a partner, and second time round has been successful.
People grow and change, and often I think, marriage in midlife will last til death (and thereafter in spirit who the hell can tell!
My marriage on the other hand was disastrous but that was obvious from the start. Pacifist hippy falls in adoration with ex druggie punk rock anarchist – we met in a course on ‘Primal Religious Experience’ (how appropriate!) as undergraduates doing religions degrees. He was angry and abusive and I married him because I thought I could let him ‘let it out’ and change, and to spite my family and friends who knew it wouldn’t work and didn’t like him. Nobody ever liked my boyfriends … they were never terribly nice!
I hope I marry, I’d like a baby if he wants one, I have alot to give and I so much I’d rather share with someone. I’m only interested in commitment, and I think anyone who wishes to have that commitment formalised in a marriage ceremony should have the right to do so, regardless of – for goodness sake – sexual ‘orientation’, race or religion. I don’t believe marriage ‘belongs’ to the church or any other institution. It’s a human symbol of commitment between partners in a love relationship.
So when is the wedding?
just kidding!
ps I don’t think ‘marriage’ should change a relationship. In fact I don’t believe in a formalisation of the relationship until you’re effectively married anyway. Then do the romantic ceremony thing and be mr and mrs because it’s just bloody fantastic.
I definitely feel for the previous generations and the push to be married. My parents lasted over twenty years and then fell apart. I think it was obvious the relationship was over long before that.
And I am pretty lucky.
As for the wedding plans, since we both agree that marriage is something that pretty much already happened in terms of love and commitment prior to the wedding, I think the only hurdle is saving up for the right party. Who doesn’t like a splendid excuse to dress up?
That’s pretty much exactly how I feel. I’d like to have the right party and celebrate – but the only real cost would be the champagne. It’d be barefoot, beach, summer, bonfires, and fancy dress. Money? Who needs money. My first hippy wedding ‘he’ wore frigging pyjamas and a pinstripe jacket and my sister made me Gwynnivere’s dress from one of John William Waterhouse’s paintings. We were ‘married’ in the religions department at university, and had the party in the house we hadn’t even finished building! Everyone brought splendid plates and we provided the booze. All very happy and casual and no presents. At least we stipulated no presents but some people still gave us things. Congratulations by the way
Maybe I should ask … when’s the baby? JUST KIDDING!