I want to strike a balance if I can manage it. I think a primary relationship that involves home building and adult stuff should somehow take what the people involved already had individually and add to that. I don’t really like or truly understand the flip side which is the compromises and rules. That is partly because I am disagreeable. Also, partly I feel this way because when people who would date meet, they don’t have all the rules and things work well enough to make them think they should go further. The state of feeling like you want to go further is one I’d like to live in with a newspaper for an umbrella.
Sometimes I wander away from my partner. I’ve thought about this and there are tons of reasons. Sometimes, I’m just not paying attention and that’s not a good thing. Sometimes, I am simply taking “me” time and that me time takes a variety of forms. Some forms involve me alone. Some involve me with buddies (read: non-sexual friends) and some involve me with people who have chemistry. Wandering away is a funny thing to balance in a relationship because I need to be me to maintain me. In my mind, that’s the me that comes back to my partner home builder and who she (or he) really wants.
Relationships of any kind take some level of work. There are light and easy days and there are problem days with real genuine problems to be solved. There are even days where there are moods which aren’t always related very well to a solvable problem. It seems like those days are sort of like catch up days for being so high energy all the time. Being supported reminds me why relationships of any kind have value. Being accompanied makes life feel worthwhile.
Hepfat reminded me of some basic rules when I read one of her posts. My friends aren’t necessarily friends with each other. I’d qualify that to say the level of importance changes. I think generally my friends do support my other friends as a way of supporting me. I’ve been really fortunate that way. But she’s right, a near lover of mine cannot be expected to be that with my house building partner. It’s too much and too entangled.
And my friends aren’t my team’s friends necessarily. They are mine in as much as my choice of interacting with them is almost vacuum like when I can consider simply my feelings on whether to keep a friend or not. There are dick ways to do this and nice ways to do this. But basically my friendships formed simply between the parties involved and are non transferable. The good news is I think new friendships can definitely form between friends of friends. The bad news is this leads to jealousy and uncertainty on the part of friends (or lovers) that feel left behind.
It’s apples and oranges sometimes talking about commitment and sustainability to the point where I sometimes feel that one person’s pleasure is in fact taking cookies right out of the other person’s cookie jar of happiness. If that’s the case, then the foundation is flawed and the existing structure of the relationship cannot be trusted. The good news is the people can step back and consider reforming with the new information.
It doesn’t make you insignificant because you’re very important. It doesn’t make you disposable if we have to walk away from something that means so much. It just makes us tougher, smarter, and more likely to build a happy hearth and home if we approach our relationship as one form of two very devoted friends who want to see the other person thrive while thriving along side.
I mentioned the other day and I think it’s true that my entire life has changed so much in my perspective. I used to think in terms of right and wrong as set by God and through God influenced men. I’ve gone beyond that to a world where there are many valid goals and compromises seem to leave all the goals a bit unfulfilled. I’ve gone from having a moral compass to the uncertainty that comes with believing I have no idea what environment works best for me. And I hope to get there. And I’ve only even tried with people who have displayed awesome levels of qualities I admire. There’s no shame there. And there’s a lot of hope to boot.