Archive for May, 2010

Memorable Day

Friday, May 28th, 2010

I want to strike a balance if I can manage it.  I think a primary relationship that involves home building and adult stuff should somehow take what the people involved already had individually and add to that.  I don’t really like or truly understand the flip side which is the compromises and rules.  That is partly because I am disagreeable.  Also, partly I feel this way because when people who would date meet, they don’t have all the rules and things work well enough to make them think they should go further.  The state of feeling like you want to go further is one I’d like to live in with a newspaper for an umbrella.

Sometimes I wander away from my partner.  I’ve thought about this and there are tons of reasons.  Sometimes, I’m just not paying attention and that’s not a good thing.  Sometimes, I am simply taking “me” time and that me time takes a variety of forms.  Some forms involve me alone.  Some involve me with buddies (read: non-sexual friends) and some involve me with people who have chemistry.  Wandering away is a funny thing to balance in a relationship because I need to be me to maintain me.  In my mind, that’s the me that comes back to my partner home builder and who she (or he) really wants.

Relationships of any kind take some level of work.  There are light and easy days and there are problem days with real genuine problems to be solved.  There are even days where there are moods which aren’t always related very well to a solvable problem.  It seems like those days are sort of like catch up days for being so high energy all the time.  Being supported reminds me why relationships of any kind have value.  Being accompanied makes life feel worthwhile.

Hepfat reminded me of some basic rules when I read one of her posts.  My friends aren’t necessarily friends with each other.  I’d qualify that to say the level of importance changes.  I think generally my friends do support my other friends as a way of supporting me.  I’ve been really fortunate that way.  But she’s right, a near lover of mine cannot be expected to be that with my house building partner.  It’s too much and too entangled.

And my friends aren’t my team’s friends necessarily.  They are mine in as much as my choice of interacting with them is almost vacuum like when I can consider simply my feelings on whether to keep a friend or not.  There are dick ways to do this and nice ways to do this.  But basically my friendships formed simply between the parties involved and are non transferable.  The good news is I think new friendships can definitely form between friends of friends.  The bad news is this leads to jealousy and uncertainty on the part of friends (or lovers) that feel left behind.

It’s apples and oranges sometimes talking about commitment and sustainability to the point where I sometimes feel that one person’s pleasure is in fact taking cookies right out of the other person’s cookie jar of happiness.   If that’s the case, then the foundation is flawed and the existing structure of the relationship cannot be trusted.  The good news is the people can step back and consider reforming with the new information.

It doesn’t make you insignificant because you’re very important.  It doesn’t make you disposable if we have to walk away from something that means so much.  It just makes us tougher, smarter, and more likely to build a happy hearth and home if we approach our relationship as one form of two very devoted friends who want to see the other person thrive while thriving along side.

I mentioned the other day and I think it’s true that my entire life has changed so much in my perspective.  I used to think in terms of right and wrong as set by God and through God influenced men.  I’ve gone beyond that to a world where there are many valid goals and compromises seem to leave all the goals a bit unfulfilled.  I’ve gone from having a moral compass to the uncertainty that comes with believing I have no idea what environment works best for me.  And I hope to get there.  And I’ve only even tried with people who have displayed awesome levels of qualities I admire.  There’s no shame there.  And there’s a lot of hope to boot.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Wookie Rap

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

I posted it on my forum but it’s too good not to project to a wider audience.

The hair traps full again
Hooligan
You listen
A fucking wookie needs to use the hair trap
if you’re showering
You can act all ape shit
And go towering
I’ve got a laser pistol
And I’m feeling foul and then
I don’t even understand
Why you use a towel
you need an industrial
hair dryer but we’re short of power and
The nearest batteries are for
sale in Kessel Run
You’ll stink for twelve parsecs
I’ll hold my breath now here we come!

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Expressionless

Thursday, May 20th, 2010

Expressionless
Suppressing all the reasons for objecting
Because objectively
my life is the results of my changes
The results of my testing
the people who relied on me
and I never asked a question
I just stomped off like I
knew what what was best was
And I fight off depression
because I know it’s my fault
And I threw away the cookie jar
So I can’t get caught
I can’t give away details
Now that I’ve sown up my jaw
Expressionless
And combustive underneath it all

They want to know what’s on my mind
’cause inside
it seems empty
Sensing the tension underneath
deep within me
Asking for the clarity
I love attention not charity
These are just technical difficulties
Please bear with me.

Expressionless
I want to tell you what’s on my mind
Because basically
I’m trying to leave my mistakes behind
It’s not the past that haunts me
It’s the failures on the horizon
And I walk right into them
Like I run through life blind
And I know you want to help me
I can tell that you’re true
But I couldn’t share the information
If I really wished to
And I don’t because my choices
Are only my issues
So boo hoo for me screwing up
please hand me the tissues

They want to know what’s on my mind
’cause inside
it seems empty
Sensing the tension underneath
deep within me
Asking for the clarity
I love attention not charity
These are just technical difficulties
Please bear with me.

Expressionless
I made a choice took a fall
And risked it all
I’m trying to break a cycle
’cause I’m spiteful and stalled
I don’t need to validate my feelings
I don’t need ’em to grow.
I need technical experiences
Feelings?  I don’t.
You can’t tell if you should pity me
by my expressionless tone
I just need to rest
If you’ve a nest you can loan
I’m indecipherable like
a religious tome
Where I’ve a bed and a beer
That’s my home
Take me home

They want to know what’s on my mind
’cause inside
it seems empty
Sensing the tension underneath
deep within me
Asking for the clarity
I love attention not charity
These are just technical difficulties
Please bear with me.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Toy Solder With A Heart of Gold

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

The toy soldier with the heart of gold
growing old
A story so trite
Neil Young sang it, right.
But when I say soldier
The war that isn’t over
Is my interest in exploring
Existence opposed to suffering
Don’t wait with me
Walk with me
Run with the dogs in my pack
if you would talk with me
They’re as rabid as they get
now that Atlas holds their baggage
Let him suffer while you run
so you can see what I’ve begun.
I know that you don’t know
What this world is given to us for
I know that you don’t know
How to have just what you hold
I know that you don’t know
I don’t know your answers
and so much more
I don’t need the answers
to knock on your door
I wanted to come in
and I’m hungry for your
presence in the pack
that I built just for us
Just for nothing but pluses
Plus, is it really a cost
if it lifts us up?

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Confidence

Tuesday, May 11th, 2010

Confidence, the illusion that we all wish we could figure out and harness because so much of personal discomfort seems to be your own fault, no matter who you are,  is that thing that keeps you from trying when you need to keep trying because you need to keep growing but you’ve got some strengths and you’re wounded by your weaknesses.  Confidence is that thing you wield so you don’t have to prove it to people that you’re worth time, attention, a second chance and so forth.  The people I’ve met that showed the most lost the most with their own trigger finger behind their ultimate failures.  The people I’ve admired the most don’t have that much confidence.   Confidence is an illusion.

This idea leads me to think if I could just accomplish task A, I would be worth something.   And more than half the time I fail the task that matters to me in this superstitious use of confidence.  Confidence, I hereby abandon you as useless and unnecessary for describing or limiting me.    Confidence didn’t really explain my successes or my unique opportunities.  My successes come on the heels of effort and talent.  My opportunities are much more entangled with the overlapping interests of my closest people.

I’m waiting for it all to blow up in marvelous sparks.  One of those sparks will make it to our own sun.  Our sun explodes, destroying the entire Earth and we all go down together.  But until then, I’ll just blindly take a stab at customizing my existence, honoring my commitments, putting my effort where there is need among my friends, and taking my pleasure and amusement wherever it can fit in the resulting spaces.

You can all count on me because I’m too bewildered to suddenly cut and run.  I’m intending to follow the rabbit hole until the ground devours me because the unknown seems to have more going on than the failures of folks that I’ve come from.

I don’t need anything.  But I’ve observed that my confidence which is an illusion even to myself gets a lot of the props for my successes and I just want to say it doesn’t exist.  And this probably makes you, the reader, and I more alike than ever.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

coming home

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

If I say I wanna go
You can’t expect it to be true
frustration baby is nothing new
you know that I can’t come home without you
Sweating homo sapien dew
Sick enough to properly speak Hebrew
Distracted enough to start a war or two
Pushing you away, just another busy day
I’ll be coming home
Yeah, I’ll be coming home.
I got an address and it’s right next to you.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Seth Harwood Wrote Another Book

Wednesday, May 5th, 2010

Go preorder it.  The last book was great.  The new one is Young Junius.  And Seth’s last book was a great romp through organized crime from a protagonist that was just coming into himself, kind of murder mystery/crime with the emphasis on vivid storytelling.

http://sethharwood.com/junius

Junius is a major character from Jack Wakes Up, Seth’s first book.  I’ll sell it even better once I’ve read the new book.  The old one was great.  I’m feeling kind of fortunate to have apparently stumbled across Seth Harwood as he is achieving that initial level of recognition which is what happened when I was writing this post.  More to come after a read.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com

Communication

Tuesday, May 4th, 2010

Sometimes when I’m in a relationship and I have a crazy idea such as threesomes or communes or nonsense like that, I think the problem with such an idea is actually getting the third person, the house(s) and whatnot.  It’s beginning to dawn on me that the communication needed to sustain an alternative lifestyle is extraordinary.  However, I think there are a few basic rules that prevent a vicious cycle that can creep into relationships.

A monogamous relationship has some expectations but it happens as a result of some really nice rapport I would hope that leads a couple to believe staying together is strategically sound and personally satisfying.  Monogamy is the default because it makes reciprocation easy to spot.  Throw a job a zip code away and an extra lover into the mix, and the monogamy gets stressed out.  It seems obvious right.  It’s not obvious.  The person at the center of the two relationships can be broken as well.  All you have to do is take that rapport out of the picture.  It’s like taking oxygen out of a room.  Who can say which breath will be your last?

Rapport?  That’s like communication right?  People just need to talk a lot.  Well… no.  There’s a good reason why people can’t talk all the time.  They might be busy.  And while a person is busy, that’s not the time to expect the whole world to end.  That’s when people need to know the world is going to be the same when they get back.  Not every conversation is an open and shut case and most of life is a refinement process as are conversations.  So I think there will be time to improve things in the future.

Too much communication is a lack of trust.  Too little trust and it’s over.  Trust is like the corner stone and satisfaction is the paycheck the construction crew gets.  You need those two things to build that happiness.  The shape of the result, now that’s where communication comes in.

Add This! Blinkbits Blinklist Blogmarks BlogMemes BlueDot BlogLines co.mments Connotea del.icio.us de.lirio.us Digg Diigo DZone Facebook FeedMeLinks Folkd.com Fleck Furl Google Google Reader icio.de IndianPad Leonaut LinkaGoGo Linkarena Linkter Magnolia Mister Wong MyShare Ask.com MyStuff Ask.com Yahoo! MyWeb Netscape Netvouz Newsgator Newsvine Oneview.de RawSugar reddit Rojo Segnalo Shadows Simpy SlashDot Smarking Sphere Spurl Startaid StumbleUpon TailRank Technorati ThisNext yigg.de Webnews.de ReadMe.ru Dobavi.com Dao.bg Lubimi.com Ping.bg Pipe.bg Svejo.net Web-bg.com Plugin by Dichev.com