Archive for January, 2009

United Seths of America

Friday, January 30th, 2009

My name is Seth Strong and if your name is Seth Strong than we can probably get along and rule this world together. I’ve been trying to find you guys on Facebook and I found the one in L.A. That one seems as talented as you would expect a Seth Strong to be.

If you or your loved ones know a Seth Strong, don’t let world domination pass him by, please encourage him to contact this Seth Strong. The world awaits.

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Seth Said It First

Thursday, January 29th, 2009

If you are under 18, you don’t need the new vocabulary presented in this blog.

While discussing the word lover and what it meant to my girlfriend and myself, we decided we didn’t like the word.  Having love as the root does not make up for the greasy, grimy, sex-only feel of the word.  So I invented a new word to replace lover and to help convey why I don’t like the word lover.  The new word is banghole.  If you are my banghole then you exist for no other reason than so I can put my piston in your shaft and combust. It’s graphic and nearly obscene but now you know what I think of when someone refers to their lover.  It’s the ultimate word in turning someone into a selfpowered object of gratification.

This is because all lovers are implicitly undercover lovers.  The term lovers can mean girlfriends, mistresses, and professional hos.  There should be a search engine to find prostitutes in your area called Yo-ho! But that is beside the point.  See if I say girlfriend then it sounds somewhere between high school and fiance and that is sufficiently vague.  It is also very near girl friend which is just safe all together.

I can see where lover may be just as nebulous and even more romantic than girlfriend.  But before I say “hey lover”, I’ll probably say “yo bitch” and she’ll come over laughing and secretly enjoying the role play dominance I have just exerted.  Because if you just want someone for just that something, they’re not bitches. They’re not girlfriends. They are bangholes.

If you wanna be my banghole, you gotta get with my friends,
Make it last forever friendship never ends,
If you wanna be my banghole, you have got to give,
Taking is too easy, but that’s the way it is.

And that’s the word.  You heard it from Seth first.

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What I learned Today

Wednesday, January 28th, 2009

Merchandise Liquidators

This quiz was provided by

Merchandize Liquidators

a Wholesale Clothing Company

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In the Beginning

Saturday, January 24th, 2009

In the beginning there walked in a garden two men. They had been debating for hours if it was better to starve the rich and give to the poor, or starve the poor and bathe the rich in low-monthly-rate-mortgages.
These two men had been made by God to make the world an insane-er place.
And God saw that it was politically correct.
And the men feasted on the green of many tax-payers for the time until elections. But when they saw that they were going to have to choose a candidate for their elections, strife came between them. Thy disagreed on who should starve (the rich or the poor) and they quarreled amongst themselves.
And God saw that they could bring no more peaceful taxes to earth so He turned one man (starve the poor) into an elephant hoping furtively that the man and the elephant would have peace between them.
But he took a tribe of hippies and sent them against the elephant saying: “Kill him and you may feast on his flesh.”
When God saw that the elephant was to be destroyed he grew angry and threw his THE IDIOT’S GUIDE TO TAXES out the window bellowing: “You humans are such a pain in the ass!” and turned the man (starve the rich) into a donkey.
Now when the elephant saw that the donkey was smaller than him, he began to scheme.
And then God was mad at both of them and said: “If ye will refrain from killing your sorry butts, I will give unto you all the lands of America to pollute with Political Shit.”
And the elephant and the donkey saw that it was all for the greater boredom and agreed.
And God saw that his Popovers were done and went to eat.
And so Democrat (the donkey) and Republican (the elephant) went their separate ways in the world to make everyone’s life as hard as possible.
And they saw that it was good.
The End.

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Comment Spammer

Friday, January 23rd, 2009

Wow! What a fabulous post this you comment spamming, polka-dot wearing, Ronald MacDonald looking, cosplayer.  Who in there right mind would spam comment my beautiful blog.

It’s Friday folks!

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Strange Signatures

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

My friend gets emails from someone with the following signature.

It is true that there are foolish individuals who have never properly examined the fundamentals of the Divine religions, who have taken as their criterion the behavior of a few religious hypocrites and measured all religious persons by that yardstick, and have on this account concluded that religions are an obstacle to progress, a divisive factor and a cause of malevolence and enmity among peoples. They have not even observed this much, that the principles of the Divine religions can hardly be evaluated by the acts of those who only claim to follow them. For every excellent thing, peerless though it may be, can still be diverted to the wrong ends. A lighted lamp in the hands of an ignorant child or of the blind will not dispel the surrounding darkness nor light up the house — it will set both the bearer and the house on fire. Can we, in such an instance, blame the lamp? No, by the Lord God! To the seeing, a lamp is a guide and will show him his path; but it is a disaster to the blind.

How weird is that?  OK, it’s from the book The Secret of Divine Civilization.  I don’t even care what the book is about because it isn’t fair to assume we understand the context or anyone else she emails.

When I say fuck religion, I’m saying that to people who have decided to tell me I’m stupid or somehow lacking for not having one.  If you can keep your beliefs in your britches where only intimate friends can see, I will keep my disagreement with your beliefs to myself.

If you want to discuss beliefs to understand me better, then by all means let’s.  If you want to find out who’s right, first we need to establish ground rules:

  • Are we going to use reason?
  • Is it okay to think for yourself?
  • Is it okay for people to make bad decisions regarding religion with all the best intentions?

The first two bullets are very important.  The third bullet shows compassion.  There are good people who have different opinions on subjects of great importance.  It may seem obvious to you which opinions are correct and which one’s aren’t, but that would be a disrespectful position to take.  There is no point in pretending to have a respectful conversation if you in fact offer no respect.

Thanks for the psycho signature line in your email my friend’s friend.  That was good motivation for this post.

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To My One Fan

Thursday, January 22nd, 2009

You know who you are.  You are the copycat that has the FBI confused about whether I’m also operating in Colorado as well as Seattle.  You are the unwavering and slightly misguided support that does not exactly understand the political message that goes along with the carnage, but you kill to make me proud and so you have.

You know who you are.  You send me fingerprints to say, “If you want me to go to jail for you, I will.”  You make insanely outrageous claims as to how far you would go to prove your commitment.  I love the stories you tell me in their gruesome detail.  After all, being disgusted won’t bring the victims back to life or renew their dignity.

You know who you are because everything I write about anything you interpret as an encoded message telling you who to kill.  I was just saying Yoder Dairy milk tastes fresher.  I did not authorize a hit on the milk producer of choice.  And even though I know you will interpret this as a hit on the competition to the dairy industry, I still try to tell you what I really mean.

I love your tenacity.  I love that you believe beyond decency and reason.  It feels good to have such devotion.  But I really don’t know how you could be so irrational.  You will never be as good as me because you are just a bad copy.  You can’t think for yourself except to warp what you are seeing and then execute your goals based on some naive notion that while you do my bidding all will be well.

I have been considering a kill in your area.  So why don’t you just send me your contact information and we can coordinate something.  There’s this wannabe copycat serial killer that’s got nothing on me and I want him offed.  Care to help.

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Discordia

Wednesday, January 21st, 2009

It’s cool to want to take over the world while simultaneously understanding the virtues of a democracy.  I don’t think everyone’s voice is equally as relevant, but we want everyone to have a stake in the system.  I also don’t think a small group of intelligent elite people puts me at any great ease.  Because guess what, you’re going to have a moron kid that you let rule over your carefully crafted empire and he’s going to be a proud follower of Reaganism.   Bye Bush.

It’s cool to want to be respectful of women and treat them as equals while simultaneously realizing you can blame nature or nuture but I like that I’m bigger and stronger and I think she might like that too.  After all, I didn’t have a lock on nature.  My dad didn’t genetically engineer my superiority or pave my way while simultaneously making girls weaker and beneath the glass ceiling.

Thank God racism is in its death throws.  Say what you like but it looked like it was stronger and more prevalent then it turned out to be.  Racists are really ignorant since race is really just a line in the sand drawn by morons.  Without a proven genetic difference you are trying to separate people the way you separated shapes when you were three.  But guess what?  There are no black shaped, white shaped, Asiatic shaped, or other type of person shaped holes. I like the box of crayons with the most options anyway, but you probably guessed that.

But it is ok to have preferences with who you would date and such.  Because as ignorant as it is, you have to simultaneously be honest with yourself.  Ask my ex-wife, I can be an ass, and that nature has to be taken into account for me to find the best place for me.

It’s okay to know what the right answer is and listen to other perspectives and even follow the logic to see how much this matters to the other people.

Where are your contradictions people?  Really, let’s have ’em.

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Just an ordinary Tuesday

Tuesday, January 20th, 2009

Down with George W. Bush and all the Bushes!  I wish you the best of luck as human beings, but man, does it feel like the world has lost twenty years of progress or what?  I would never want to be President of the United States of America because I am not a big fan of ceremony.  I hate to stand and wave.   If I’m not going to be productive, I’d just as soon Google something back in the comfort of my own home.  Down with exes.  Up with new love.  Down with tradition.  Up with individuality.  You don’t need conformity as a virtue.  Be good people and we will naturally want to stand with you.

But who defines good?  Nope.  I don’t agree with you.  And I still expect your respect.  I still want you to value my values even though mine are wishy washy.  I can show you how yours are too.  We still have things we can work toward together such as world peace.  Be inclusive.  We did it.  We can.  A change is coming.

I would type more but my fingers have yet to callous from bass practice so I’m conceding for the night.

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Sometimes my thoughts rhyme.

Monday, January 19th, 2009

It seems absurd what we do to get a word in
what we do to be listened to
because it’s our world too.

It hits a nerve when the terrorists murder us
They don’t look like me
but they are like me
Cause they hurt and they die like me
if Israel were to launch a missile strike at me

I miss them because I hope someone will miss me.

Too bad the missiles didn’t
I’m not the new kind of disease
I have never been the kind to appease
I have more than half a mind
for vigilante justice
an eye for an eye would learn a whole bunch of motherfuckers.
But it’s just us
We don’t have the power to change
We have the power to maintain
If we quit the whole economy
Goes down the drain.

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